The Précis

A student recently asked my opinion on long-distance relationships and in seeking to find a Biblical answer, I have pondered why we make the distinction about relationships in which the parties are separated by geography. In our culture, especially, geographical distance is becoming less and less a barrier to relationships. The telephone and the internet have made communication over continents and oceans instant and immediate. So the distinction regarding geographical proximity seems anachronistic (outdated) in many respects. Yet, the distinction leads to a question: What are the differences between a relationship with a friend who lives next door and a friend who lives across country, if communication with either of the friends is equally frequent?

Obviously, a long-distance relationship misses the face-to-face contact that can never be replaced by telephones, videos, and instant messages. Short of the invention of teleportation, physical contact is limited practically to proximity; there is no escaping the physical reality that it is easier to be in the same room with someone who lives next door and can walk over than it is to be with someone who must travel by plane, train, or automobile for several hours for a meeting. Face-to-face contact permits activities together, meaningful silences, and physical touch.

Face-to-face contact provides many ways for friends to interact, while long-distance relationships are often limited to conversations (text and verbal). Friends can watch movies together, play games, go shopping together, visit museums, and participate in hundreds of activities together. Friends can eat together — the New Testament often connects fellowship with “breaking bread together,” an idea which highlights the value of physical proximity and contact. One facet of friendship is shared experiences. Memories of activities experienced together season the relationships. Activities shared together give friends opportunities to laugh, cry, and talk in depths that are usually unmatched in conversation by phone or letter. Some of the meaning of Keats’ sonnet “On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer” is lost, for instance, without the knowledge of the friendship that prompted the experience. Face-to-face contact allows friends to share experiences.

Moreover, in face-to-face contact, silence communicates as much as conversation and activity. Silence by mail and silence on the phone may be their own messages, but conversations online and on the phone are impossible unless one of the participants is speaking. Silence between two friends who are sitting in the same room, however, is totally different. Because of the physical proximity, there is often no need for words and the silence communicates more than words. Indeed, some of the most profound and meaningful messages can be communicated without speaking. The song “When You Say Nothing At All,” written by Don Schlitz and Paul Overstreet and performed by Alison Krauss (and others), expresses some of the sweetness of silence that is possible only when friends are in the same place:

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart.

Without saying a word you can light up the dark.

Try as I may I could never explain

What I hear when you don’t say a thing.

 

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me;

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

 

All day long I can hear people talking out loud,

But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd.

Old Mr. Webster could never define

What’s being said between your heart and mine.

 

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall;

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Proximity (face-to-face contact) also allows physical touch. Hugs, kisses, handshakes, pats on the back, and kicks in the pants are all impossible by telephone and internet. It is estimated that young children need twelve hugs a day to develop psychologically and emotionally. Can that be doubted? Hugs, kisses, and handshakes are everyday expressions of our innate need for each other. A long-distance relationship would certainly suffer lack in this area.

Long-distance relationships miss the face-to-face contacts, which allow an abundance of activities, the sweetness of silence, and the possibility of physical touch. It’s no wonder that many people consider long-distance relationships taboo at worse and difficult at best. It’s no wonder that high school sweethearts often separate after graduation as each one or both of them leaves home. It’s no wonder that long-distance relationships are often discouraged. Absence may indeed make the affection stronger, but often it does not really do that.

Should young adults and teenagers have long-distance relationships?

In Proverbs, there is the distinction between a friend who is near and a brother who is far away. “Thine own friend, and thy father’s friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off” (Proverbs 27.10, KJV). The last part of this verse suggests that a neighbor who can help is better in times of trouble than a brother who is far away and cannot help (perhaps because of the distance). This verse may not speak directly to long-distance relationships, but it certainly reminds us to nurture our relationships with those in close proximity to us. If a teenager is able to maintain friendships across great distances, while growing in relationships with friends and family nearby, then a long-distance relationship may be acceptable and beneficial. However, if a long-distance relationship keeps a teenager from having healthy relationships with other friends and family, then that long-distance relationship is unhealthy.

Finally, to the student who asked the question, yes, you should tell your parents about every relationship, no matter where the friend lives! Not only do your parents have a right (and an obligation) to know about the people involved in your life, but more importantly, hiding relationships from them is dishonest. You cannot have good, open, healthy relationships with your parents if you keep things secret. While you keep your long-distance relationship hidden, that very act causes an unhealthy relationship at home. The long-distance relationship is not itself a sin, but hiding it certainly is! How can that be good?